Reframing Sex

Saving the World by Changing How We Talk About "the Nasty"

The plainest way to say this is… an uncomfortable amount of prominent names in the faith space (particularly in its evangelical wing, where a lot of the prominent names have pitched their tents) have been caught with their pants around their ankles these last few months (years???). 

I won’t name them all here, partly because I don’t wanna get sued—but also because the names are not really important to the point I’m trying to make here.

The reputation of the names and the nature of the transgressions has triggered a public relations nightmare so big that we haven’t really gotten the chance to slow down and examine the sexual ethic behind it all.

I thought about this as I watched an old clip of one pastor warning fellow pastors about the temptations lurking around every corner, threatening to derail their ministries. After it was discovered that this same pastor had engaged in an illicit relationship, he was removed from several positions of leadership across multiple organizations. 

Watching that clip, I thought back to my earliest days as a minister…

Early on in my training for ministry, I was taught that preaching with integrity would often require me preaching the messages that I needed to hear myself. 

The lesson was that a minister that is connected to their community will often endure struggles alongside that community. The logic was that if you are serving faithfully, you will share in struggles—and the word they need will be the word you need.

In theory, when you follow this advice, the people you share space (and struggle) with should be able to relate to the things you preach on.

A person disconnected from a people will experience difficulty when it comes time to share with them.

I say all of that because… at least one of two things is happening when preachers place a great deal of emphasis on “sexual sin” (despite sexuality never being a central idea of the gospel):

1. That preacher has long been familiar with illicit relationships.

2. The foundation for transgressive relationships has been well laid within that community.

At least one of those two things is true. Possibly both. 

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It’s important to evaluate the things that are (and are not) emphasized from the pulpit. They speak volumes about the DNA of a community. 

If sin is expressed as a lack of piety and not a lack of justice, then you will find a community that prioritizes piety over justice.

If the sin we often preach about (or against) is often sexual in nature, then we are more than likely dealing with a community that struggles to articulate a healthy sexual ethic and fruitful relationship with sex.

And that is always a recipe for harm.

We can expect more church leaders and faith leaders to be exposed for being unfaithful and hypocritical, because we have yet to do the essential work of defining a healthy sexual ethic around the ideals of mutual pleasure, enthusiastic consent, and understandings of power dynamics. 

As long as sex is framed in terms of a covenantal or contractual obligation instead of a byproduct of healthy intimacy, we will continue to see it discussed and practiced in unhealthy ways in our communities and, yes, by our leaders.

Too many people in our communities of faith still think of and speak of sex as something that men want from women, as opposed to something that two people agree to enjoy together. 

Framing sex as a prize that uncontrollably lustful men want from women who have the power to control men by choosing to withhold or offer this prize whenever they choose is the foundation of all sorts of sin, objectification, and dehumanization. It is the framing that drives a culture misogyny, making the world less safe for everyone, but especially women. 

Framing sex as something that two people agree to enjoy together is the foundation of intimacy. 

Many of us have spent more time in communities of faith that accept a harmful framework of transactional sex than claiming to be proclaimers of Good News or salvation should allow. We have become stewards of a destructive status quo that traps us in a self-made prison of temptation and imprisons others in an unsafe world that does not respect agency over the bodies that God created and called good. 

A sexual ethic with a robust understanding of mutual pleasure, enthusiastic consent, and understandings of power dynamics is a matter of justice, righteousness, and holiness. 

To the extent that we fall short of cultivating that in our preaching, we stand in sin. 

It is time to stop preaching a gospel that leaves nothing but conviction and victims in its wake. 

A tree will be known by its fruit. 

If we have congregations full of people who feel guilty about their sexuality (or even the very idea of sex itself) led by leaders who exploit power imbalances to achieve gratification (sexual or otherwise), it is fair to deduce that the tree is not good.

When we have people (who cannot often think of sex—in a vacuum—as a gift) armed with prooftexts that present sex as a marital obligation, we will often end up with strained relationships lacking true intimacy.  It is fair to deduce that the tree is not good.

When we have “Biblical counselors” who are still arguing that King David had Bathseba’s consent to violate her (while her husband was off fighting for him, no less) telling anyone anything about sex, it is fair to deduce that the tree is not good.

But the Good News is that we do not have to keep consuming from bad trees. 

We can “go & sin no more.”

When we stop preaching sex as something to be scared of, we can begin to understand intimacy (even the platonic kind!) as something to cherish and strive toward.

When we understand enthusiastic consent as a sacred blessing, we can move beyond an ethic defined by scarcity.

When we understand the nature of power dynamics, we can stop attaching the benefit of exploitation to the responsibility of leadership. 

And if we can understand pleasure, we might finally understand the depth of God’s love for Creation. 

You might even understand how deeply God loves you.

In other words… if we can fix how we think & talk about sex… we might mess around and change the world. 

On earth, as it is in heaven. 

I like playing with words. So that’s what I do. Whether it be with tweets, videos, essays, sermonic presentations, Bible studies, podcasts, or speaking engagements of other sorts, I’m always trying to figure out how to provoke an image in a seeker with some combination of words.

If you’ve enjoyed any of the words I have to offer, check out my book Theologizin’ Bigger: Homilies on Living Freely and Loving Wholly wherever books are sold!